« I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings…There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you »
- Maya Angelou
Yesterday I watched Netflix. For some it might be a random act of your daily routine.
For me, it’s rare & almost self-care. If I choose content wisely of course.
I really don’t know why ,but finally I ended up listening to the story of Maris. And it hit me like a stroke.
To be very honest, at this point of my life I thought I got my silly mindfucks under control (LOL). Watching this beautiful soul unfolding, spreading her wings like a phoenix from the ashes, feeling the sorrow of her caring mother.
I got it. My life was & still is haunted by the « not enough »’s.
Not good enough.
Not ready enough.
Not well written enough.
Not deep enough.
Not poetic enough… to share it with the world.
Not patient enough.
Not a good mum enough.
Not a present daughter enough.
Not a funny wifey enough.
Too much emotions.
Too much temper.
As long as I remember, people around me labeled me as a strong person. Determined. Confident.
A girl with a (sometimes sad, sometimes special) story that made the woman she is (isn’t it like this for ALL of us tough?).
And no matter how much ME I was & am, how much giving myself or showing up.
Maris’ story mirrored so much to me. And she will for you. If you dare to look closely.
Until now, I thought the healing part in my life would be essential for my daughter. I assumed that it was always about HER. What I realised yesterday night was simple. Yet crystal clear.
It will above all be about ME.
My inner little ness.
The one who played the main part in the story. Here’s the thing. Little Ness, she will never disappear. And she will probably remain this small & lost child giving so much for being seen, heard & felt. And that was a truth that hit me right in the face, to the bottom of my heart, running wildly trough my body during a yoga class with Jen Pastiloff at her retreat.
I am not the yoga girl. I don’t have the fancy pants & the crow pose scares the hell out of me.
But I NEVER felt so connected to my body.
I cried like a baby on the mat.
I could not really put words on it.
But I knew the healing was sacred at this moment.
Maris’ path reminded me that we have to tell & share our stories.
We have to show up, even if this means that there will always be the not-enough-NESS.
I am enough.
I am more than enough.
I am human.
Maris story was a reminder. There are young girls & women struggling in silence.
Just like little Ness did. And grown up Ness still does.
My people know that behind the scenes I am currently trying to create something beautiful.
That I never craved more than putting my whole ME into life.
To empower young girls & women.
To serve with my wounds.
To inspire with all the layers that make me so human.
Especially the not enough ness.
You put some light on my way the last few weeks.
I left the golden cage behind me a year ago.
Seed written & planted 9-7-2019